A butch nurse made me scream

This last week has been heavily punctuated with various appointments, mostly concerning my health / benefits. Highlights included:

Being told by a benefits official that I was a “genuine” case! Most people apparently “have no intention of working”! That particular appointment ended with the guy telling me that he had financial problems and was considering bankruptcy. What did I think? Would he lose his house? Unbelievable.

Having my blood test on Wednesday. Now, I’m terrified of needles and embarrassingly, blood tests make me scream. Shame on me! Imagine my delight when I was called in for my test by a handsome butch nurse! There was a knowing smile and she said “take a seat darlin”. Of course, true to form, I screamed. I’ve never left that surgery with such a broad grin on my face!

In other news, a very dear friend of mine claims to have disproved Einstein’s E=MC(2) theory. That would probably sound weird enough if he were an eminent physicist but he’s an always stoned furniture dealer. He couldn’t tell me too much about it because apparently apart from needing a huge blackboard and lots of chalk, it wasn’t safe to do it over the phone. Yikes! Careful with that weed friend!

Project Boo’s Belly is underway. In fact she’s due for a weigh in, so I’ll report back on that. Also, I still need to devise the rewards / penalties points system.

I have my family coming over tomorrow to celebrate two birthdays. It’s always fun when my mob get together and I’m really looking forward to it. X will be coming too.

I’ve been following the Femmethology tour and have really enjoyed everyone’s contributions. It’s made me think about my own Femme-inity and I want to write again about that at some point. It’s very daunting though when there’s so much insightful stuff out there. For now I’ll just say that I’ve been really feeling how my femmeness has helped me over these past few difficult months. I’ve also been really feeling how my Boo’s butchness spotlights my femmeness. So, another post, another time.

Finally, I am going cross-eyed with the anticipation of collecting Gertie in 5 weeks and 1 day. The countdown begins! Roll on 30^th May!

With love

QRx

Down but not out

Over the last 3 weeks I’ve been busy dealing with my financial ditch and haven’t had much time, or the heart really, to post anything. (I’ve mostly kept up with my reader though and there’s been SO much great writing – sorry for not commenting.)

In a nutshell, shortly I’ll be filing for bankruptcy and leaving my home. Temporarily, until I can sort out a place of my own, I’ll be staying half the week with my Boo and the other half in X’s spare room. I won’t go in to the reasons behind these arrangements right now – another time.

Despite my bravado, the reality of my situation floored me this past week. On the upside, I'm bouncing back and starting to feel (again) that actually, it's not the end of the world but a chance to start over and embrace a new chapter in my life. Everyone around me has given me so much love and support and I'm remembering to count my privileges and blessings.

Once the shit settles, I'll have much more time for blogging, so expect to hear lots from me in the future!

I'm down but not out.

QRx

PS I just looked up QR in the dictionary and it says "feisty, unbeatable femme" - that's me!!

The UK Femme Conference 2008

The UKFC2008 was hosted and organised by my very good friend, femmeismygender, and what a blinding job she did too!

There was 100% turnout, great participation in all of the workshops, the venues (seafront and executive lounge) provided a perfect backdrop, the catering was superb and there was plenty of tea. The only hitch was with the sound recording, and as femmeismygender has already said, we won’t be hiring that technician again!

Some feedback from the conference:

The “Norty Stuff” workshop attracted some lively, and quite animated (!) debate. Suffice to say that all attendees were very, very happy with their norty goings on. I’d say more but don’t want to divulge the girls’ latest joys – they can do that for themselves! And generally, do (or are planning to!).

Tea.

Issues with language were discussed. For example, the word “submission” – does it adequately describe what’s happening in BDSM? For dykes? In the butch / femme dynamic? Open question really, and one that will get some further ponderification. Any thoughts?

Tea.

The “femme” and innate or not discussion was fascinating. Is all gender performed? That’s what current theory says. There was some discussion around this – is there more perceived validity in claiming butch rather than femme as innate? If there is, is it about a masculine experience being more identifiable or being seen as more valid? What do you guys think?

Tea.

It was lovely to see Holden, who popped in briefly. (By the way, earlier in the day I had been given – thoughtfully, for seafront sniffles - a top class, pressed, cotton (monogrammed “H”) handkerchief and I’m loath to return it!) I suspect that H’s appearance was brief out of respect for the femme posse & letting them have their space – or was it because there was some pressing post to write? H, you are SO norty!

It’s always lovely to spend time with femmismygender, she’s totally clever and warm and a real light in my life. Thanks for a fab conference femmeismygender, I can’t wait until the next one!!

This whole gender / sexuality thing

Last month, I read an article on fairly recent controversial attempts in academia / psychotherapy to explain lesbian sexuality. (Controversial, because the basis, for each of the theories was Freud and castration / the phallus / fetishism. I mean, how far are we going to get if the basic assumption is that male = active and female = passive?).

Anyway (!), it got me thinking…….. Are straight / gay men struggling to describe their sexuality? Are (some) lesbians feeling pressure to explain themselves in order justify having a sexuality at all? What about us femme women, are we also labouring here? Firstly, with the guilt / need to justify thing and then (double whammy) being invisible as lesbians / or worse still, being seen as damaged heterosexuals who “really want a man.”??

Having said that, I ponder the questions and yes, I want answers.

But, can lesbian / femme sexuality be explained? Is there a one size fits all definition? No. Even if there were, do we have the language? I think not. The patriarchal heteronormative matrix is a formidable web and communicating anything outside of that thick-as-mud framework is not easy – is it even possible?

So, what have we got – a heteronormative straight jacket, not enough gender representation and limited language.

I’ve come to realise that in my youth, before I really knew what “gay” was, I knew when people used that word they somehow meant me. I’ve come realise that I’ve always been queer.

I’ve had “lesbian” experiences. I’ve had “lesbian” fantasies. I went through a period about 15 years ago, when I struggled with being straight, but then, lesbian didn’t fit either. I realise now that I was struggling because I was questioning my identity in terms of sexuality and not giving gender even a sideways glance.

My emerging identity caused me to question gender and my refreshed starting points are a refusal of the constructs of heteronormativity, realisation that gender is a galaxy and therefore that possible sexualities are limitless.

Acknowledging all of this, really knowing it, knowing myself as “feminine” & queer and having thought long and hard about what turns me on, rings my bells, pushes my buttons and coming to the conclusion that it is butch women – well, I think that kind of makes me, what is called “femme”.

I’m enjoying embracing and celebrating my femme-ness, which is:

Sexy, feisty, headstrong, stubborn, wilful, formidable, powerful, sassy, nurturing, loving, questioning, challenging, difficult, emotionally articulate, courtly (thanks to femmeismygender for that word), empathic, lingerie loving, decadent, frivolous, intuitive, gentle, fierce, strong, vulnerable, funny, purring, capable….

This is mostly the “best of” and only some of the “worst of”.

For me the most thrilling, liberating and essential aspect of my femme-ness concerns power and finding total freedom in submission. (A whole other post and one I look forward to writing!).

Although contemporary gender theory says that nothing about gender is innate, it sure feels that way. But it feels intentional and played with and performed too.

This is my own personal experience, written today, in September 2008. Gender theory is evolving and I’m so excited about that – I’m reading what I can, discussing it when I can and hope to take up formal study at some point.

Who knows where I’ll be with this in a years’ time, in 10 years time? Or, even later this week – I’m really looking forward to discussing all of this with my good friend femmeismygender at the UKFC2008 on Thursday. Watch this space.