Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Coping and not coping

The other day wicked left a very kind comment on my last post about how well I was coping with my stuff.

She made me think about how much still I self-censor here. Yes, I have coped but I’ve not coped too, and I wanted to say a few things about that.

First off though, about coping – I have the love and support of my Boo, family and friends and I also have my daily dose of Prozac. I’ve been quite flippant about what I’ve called my “chemical assistance” here, but it really is that. Sometimes my dose takes the edge off things but sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t want to go in to all my “stuff” now, all the emotional challenges and issues – because I’ve at least referred to most of it here before but mainly because the detail simply isn’t relevant. I think that everyone has their limit when it comes to how well they can continue to be with the challenges life throws at them and my particular limit has been reached is all.

You know when you’ve worked hard all year and then you get to take a few days off and then you get ill? Well, that’s kind of how I’d describe what’s happening with me right now. I’ve been climbing that mountain and now that the peak is in sight my mind & body is saying “enough”. It’s a fair cop I suppose. Despite the efforts of everyone around me I didn’t really take it easy after having my gall bladder out. Apart from never being able to sit still anyway, I’d just moved in to my new flat and had my benefits to sort out to say nothing of the bankruptcy. Oops wasn’t going to do any details! But those are just a few of the more recent challenges!

My body saying “enough”: Generally, I get very tired. On Sunday, Boo and I traveled here to Spain. She drove the short distance to Stansted airport and I slept for most of the flight which took just over 2 hours. We were met at Alicante and driven the hour long journey to the flat in Denia. Again, I slept most of the way. When we arrived at around 4pm I was absolutely exhausted and white as a sheet. After having something to eat, I slept for the rest of the evening and then went to bed and slept right through to Monday morning.

My mind saying “enough”: Apart from being generally quite tearful and anxious there have been some very specific bad times. Like recently lying paralyzed with an overwhelming sense of dread and hopelessness in the bath for what seemed like an eternity, unable to move.

So I really am going to take it easy. A few final pieces of the jigsaw are falling in to place (like benefits actually being paid and the bankruptcy being finalized) and then I’ll be able to lie down on my sofa and sleep and rest and recover.

My goodness! What my Boo has had to deal with over the last 2 years! There’s been one issue after another with me and I don’t want to keep burdening her or our relationship with my shit. We’ve talked about it of course and despite her protests I haven’t lost my senses completely and realize when enough is enough. And it really is. Like I said to her recently, I don’t need or want a carer any more than she needs or wants a patient. Being so needy is very unattractive and not sexy at all.

But, it is what it is. If I could change how I’m feeling of course I would. Apart from anything else, and this may seem strange, I am very happy with my life and relationships now and very, very in love with Boo. My depression is a result of an accumulation of stress / difficult life events, it’s an illness from which I’ll recover just like if I had a broken leg. There are no quick fixes, there’s not one single thing that anyone could put their finger on and resolve to make it go away. Just like the broken leg, you have to deal with the very practical stuff around mending the leg, not ponder what caused it to be broken in the first place.

I’m seeing my excellent GP regularly, remembering to count my many blessings and now, finally, I’m accepting what I need to do to get better and that is to really rest.

I wanted to write this so that what is here is honest and fairly represents me and my life – otherwise what’s the point?

I don’t have any quips to end on but promise to post some jollier entries from my next 2 weeks in Spain.

With love

Friday, March 20, 2009


I was in court yesterday. At the Royal Courts of Justice in the Strand – where, last year, the inquest in to the deaths of Dodi Al Fayed and Princess Diana took place and where the Court of Appeal hears miscarriages of justice – just the other day freeing a man who has spent the last 27 years in prison for a murder he didn’t commit. And then yesterday, my bankruptcy.

I was expecting the BBC to be there but no. :-)

My brother, who has been SO supportive and generally wonderful, was there with me. (Boo has been in Spain for the last week and is back tomorrow – Yippee!). I was very glad of his support cos I was more than a bit wobbly. The process was straightforward enough, but you know…

The Courts are an amazing warren of corridors & staircases leading to a multitude of grand, imposing court rooms and halls. You can almost taste the pomp, ceremony, legal bills, judge’s dusty wigs - and angst. Sounds are respectfully hushed but there is a soft, ambient soundtrack of shuffled papers being rubber-stamped. Thankfully, my bankruptcy petition received six of those stamps.

Now I’m waiting for a call from the Official Receiver to find out how long the order will last for, whether they’ll take my car etc. Whatever. And I really mean that.

I’ve been feeling quite tired today. I think getting to this point has been pretty exhausting to be honest. I feel relieved and although I haven’t had the euphoria yet, I’m sure it’ll come. I am, after all, debt-free, and how many people can say that?

Onwards and upwards


Sunday, March 15, 2009


Blimey! What a few weeks I’ve had! Let’s see, I’ve moved twice, had my gall bladder out and been moving the bankruptcy machine closer to it’s final destination.

The move to X’s place was…. good on paper but in reality not so. I was there for a week and it was really hard on all of us. But, something very positive came out of it, in that X articulated some of his feelings about the end of our relationship. In fact, he seems to have found a whole new zest for life and is using words not in his vocabulary before like “feelings” and “happy.” All good stuff.

During the week I was at X’s place I actually spent most nights with my Boo (who has been amazingly lovely by the way) and one evening we were sitting around chatting with Denver who is Boo’s ex and best friend. (Lesbians! Honestly!)

I like Denver a lot, she’s smart and kind and has a really dry sense of humour that has me in stitches. Anyway, Denver’s job involves giving benefits advice and there I was with no income and homeless. So, she gave me a good talking to about what I was entitled to claim. Cos who knows, right? Well, I didn’t. I’ve never claimed any state benefits before and even though it doesn’t sit well with me I had no choice but to swallow my pride and do it.

So, I’ve been signed off sick by my GP (with depression – thanks again to my good friend Prozac) and I’m receiving Employment and Support Allowance which pays the princely sum of £60.50 a week. Yikes! And I’m claiming Housing Benefit which pays all of my rent – or at least it will do when it comes through (come on people!).

Which leads on nicely to where I’m living…… you wouldn’t believe it! I’ve moved in to a lovely flat in East London that has floor to ceiling windows in the lounge and overlooks a river and park!! I’m also only a five minute walk away from my Boo. It is THE nicest place that I’ve lived in a long time. The sun rises directly in front of me and I am entranced by the barges and canoes that use the river. Did I mention the swans, coots, cormorants and herons? Did I mention that I can see all of this not just from the panorama offered by the lounge window but from my BALCONY?! I swear someone is looking over me. And doing the best job of it too!

Of course, the most wonderful part of all of this is the continuing and overwhelming amount of love and support from my Boo and friends and family.

The Lovely f.i.m.g. came up to see me last week (she really is Lovely you know) and sorted me out with my internet connection. Wherefrom I speak to you now. She’s coming on Tuesday with muffins. Yummy! Can’t wait! We’ll be exchanging lots of money saving tips and recipes. Queer Rose will be baking!!

I’ve filled in my bankruptcy forms and will be popping along to the High Court in London next week to file for the big B. It will be a huge relief to get that done and dusted I can tell you.

As you may already know, me and Boo are taking our relationship to a whole other level by getting….. a dog. Hopefully in April / May. Can’t do it before then cos we’re off to Spain for two weeks at the end of the month – cheap flights and a free apartment you see. HOW AMAZING IS MY LIFE?!

I’ve missed Blogland and can’t wait to catch up with you all. Put the kettle on, I’ll be with you shortly.

With love