Last week I had a lovely time in Yorkshire with Boo and Gertie. Highlights included a fantastic run along Scarborough beach, more Ye Olde sweet shops than you could shake a stick at and the most lovely, soft fresh air. Dreamy. Gertie ate a ton of sheep shit and me & Boo settled for pies.
I am addicted to Big Brother. And no, I’m not ashamed to say it. It makes perfect, mind numbing, viewing. David or Lisa to win I say. Come on you gays!
My body is becoming quite a (nicely tanned) temple now that I’ve been running for sometime. And yes, I will blow my own trumpet about it. My speed isn’t brilliant but I’m very pleased with the distances I’m able to cover quite easily (over 6km yesterday) and it just feels SO good.Oh and it keeps me sane. Speaking of which…
As usual my mental health has been good and bad by turns. That’s all I want to say about that. Apart from, as I’ve commented elsewhere, thanks for looking after me so well NHS – I probably wouldn’t be here now without you.
I’m expecting to receive an early discharge from my bankruptcy, which will mean a fresh financial start. God, that’s been dragging on forever.
This weekend I’m having some quiet time. Boo & Gertie are away with Denver (best friend & ex) meeting up with friends up North. What can I say about Gertie? That dawg is cute & everything & I even love her - but not enough, because as I already knew really, I am not mum material. It was kind of half expected I suppose and Boo has been great about it. Those two! Honestly! They’re so alike – neither can get up in the morning, both are prone to mischief making and both like their bellies rubbed – for hours & hours – at the same time. Yes. Really.
One of the first blogs to catch my attention and inspire me to start my own blog was Sugarbutch Chronicles. Sinclair’s writing on gender and sexuality helped me and challenged me to think about my own identity and how I describe myself.
Thank you Sinclair.
I’m always delighted when Sugarbutch pops up in my reader. The post could be anything from thoughts on gender theory to a sex toy review to some delicious smut. So imagine the smile on my face when I saw “Top Hot Butches 2009”. I went straight over to have a look and left an appreciative comment.
And then, while I was away enjoying my birthday, the shit hit the fan across the internets. The list was this and the list was that. I read the (mostly) thought provoking comments and responses and again, was challenged and learnt a thing or two. That’s why I bother with this place really.
So thanks again Sinclair (and the panel, of course).
I don’t agree with EVERYTHING that any blogger has to say about sex / gender / sexuality or anything else for that matter, ALL of the time. Also, I mostly don’t have the confidence to write about my own stuff on those fronts, or even sometimes comment and it’s largely for fear of being shat on for saying something “wrong”. My own stuff, I know, but I think it’s likely that many people feel like I do and self censor out of fear of backlash and that sucks.
I hope that the furore over THAT list doesn’t stifle the constructive discussions “we” need to have. “We” is a very loose term indeed.
It's my birthday on Monday and I have a fabulous 3 days in store. Especially since my Boo gave me this early pressie last night. WOW! I've wanted one for AGES! It's loud, but then, so am I!
As we all know, what goes up must come down and vice versa. And, after a bit of a tough time last week, here I am as evidence of what goes down comes back UP. You cannot keep a good femme down.
It’s so lovely to live in a flat with a view.
I went to see my VERY lovely friend femmeismygender last Wednesday. We had such a fabulous afternoon sitting on deck chairs in the sun eating chips and sharing. Later in the day we went back to her place and caught up with Holden. What a couple! I’m very lucky to have such dear friends.
My running is coming along very nicely. This morning, despite having period brain, boobs like watermelons and legs full of lead, I was EXTREMELY pleased with my run. I’m on Week 6 of a 9 week couch to 5K program and totally on target.
After some reluctance I’ve accepted my doctor’s advice and am taking double my regular dose of Prozac. It helps!
Gertie is nearly 12 weeks old now, going out in the world and ridiculously cute:
Boo has being doing really well in the Belly department (i.e., trying to lose it) and lost 5lbs last week. She totally got her reward! Ahem.
So, I’m carrying on, on my little roller coaster ride, trying not to get myself in too much of a pickle and getting somewhere. Another cliché for you – whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Today started out well enough. I went out for my run and did really well. I came back feeling great, on top of the world. Things went swiftly downhill when I opened my post box and found a letter telling me that my income benefit has been stopped. Basically, apart from the fact that they have based their decision on completely incorrect information, I’ve been penalised because my illness is invisible and I present as clean, sane and articulate. I spent sometime getting a 2 page appeal letter together.
It was a real body blow and completely knocked the wind right out of my sails. When I sit still and think about it, I get a rush of distress and a whir of all of the stuff that’s happened in my life over the last few years, and it’s too much. It’s just as well that Boo is spending the evening with a friend because I don’t think I could take any kind words, I just need to hibernate, even though the thought of being by myself is quite scary.
It’s been a busy few days here in VERY SUNNY East London.
First of all, Gertie has arrived.
And yes, she’s that cute that I can deal with her poo.
I've finally completed the reward chart so Project Boo's Belly commences in earnest on Monday 8th June.
I’ve also written THE RULES. I won’t go in to too much detail now, suffice to say that rewards include a full body treatment and punishments include (wooden) paddle slaps to the bottom. Oh Boo! You’d better watch yourself.
I had a great time last Thursday with my lovely friend femmeismygender. First off we went for a run. She’s ever so fit you know! I was very pleased to learn that my total distance is 6K – I’m interval training so I’m running half and power walking half. I’m very happy with that indeedy! I feel great physically and mentally. Good stuff. And thanks to my lovely friend I’m running in a 5K on 12th September. Can’t wait!
After our run, and feeling very pleased with ourselves, we walked over to my local bird sanctuary and had lunch in the sun. Of course, we had lots to natter about. But that’s private and between us femmes.
We collect Gertie, our 8 week old Border Terrier, tomorrow. Goodness gracious! My horoscope says:
Today might feel like the calm before a storm, yet your anticipation of what's ahead may be more ominous than any event on the horizon...Make use of the stillness now by getting ready for the winds of change that will surely blow in the weeks ahead
Blimey!
Well yes, as I've never had a dog before and because I just have to worry about everything, I have been feeling rather anxious about her arrival. Will we bond? Will I love her? Will I be able to pick up her poo? etc etc etc. Boo assures me that it will be fine and if not that she will be full time mum to the little one.
And breathe.
As they, or rather, as you lot on the internets say, in other news...
I've caught the running bug from my dear friend femmeismygender. In fact, I'm sitting here in my gear right now waiting for her to arrive for our first run together. I'm SO in to it! I'll share some stats shortly but I think I'm doing quite well and I'm planning to do a 5K this summer.
The recent focus on Boo's Belly has moved to Boo's Head due to the massive and stressful changes happening for her at work. I'll let her say more about that. I bought a reward chart for the Belly Project with stick on stars and everything and will be adapting it once I work out how. It seems quite complicated but maybe I'm being dense. Probably!
Whatever you're doing this weekend, have a fabulous one!
I am interrupting my recent and inexcusable blog-silence to say that I am furious.
The Sunday Times sums it up nicely:
House of frauds
…Amid publication of the excesses and abuses of MP’s expenses, the mother of parliaments stood revealed as the mother of all fiddles.
Phantom mortgages, moat cleaning, antique rugs, £8,000 TVs…..the politicians who lay down the laws of the land were shown to be all too grasping and vain.
MOAT CLEANING?!
WTF?!!
It seems that if you are a politician and fiddle your expenses, say for example, claiming £16,000 for a mortgage that doesn’t exist (tip of the iceberg by the way), all you have to do is say sorry and promise to pay the money back. What? Not fraud, not gross misconduct leading to dismissal? Seems not. Seems to me that if Joe Bloggs stole £16,000 from their employer, saying sorry just wouldn’t cut it.
One MP even claimed the cost of a couple of porn films that her husband had watched in their hotel bedroom!
So, here we are in the UK in a deepening recession, thousands of people losing their jobs and their homes and bankruptcies at an all time high (my own added to that number of course), and our leaders, those with “moral authority” are completely taking the piss and charging not just the cost of homes or mortgages that don’t exist but the cost of their porn movies to us?
Fuckers.
I hope the Official Receiver is as incensed as the rest of the country appears to be when he comes to look at the situations of people like me and deciding whether or not to slap them with 3 year payment orders. Yep, I’m still waiting to hear about that and whether or not they’re going to take my car.
Anyway. Rant over.
Now that blog-silence has been dealt with all I can say is – I’ll be back.
This last week has been heavily punctuated with various appointments, mostly concerning my health / benefits. Highlights included:
Being told by a benefits official that I was a “genuine” case! Most people apparently “have no intention of working”! That particular appointment ended with the guy telling me that he had financial problems and was considering bankruptcy. What did I think? Would he lose his house? Unbelievable.
Having my blood test on Wednesday. Now, I’m terrified of needles and embarrassingly, blood tests make me scream. Shame on me! Imagine my delight when I was called in for my test by a handsome butch nurse! There was a knowing smile and she said “take a seat darlin”. Of course, true to form, I screamed. I’ve never left that surgery with such a broad grin on my face!
In other news, a very dear friend of mine claims to have disproved Einstein’s E=MC(2) theory. That would probably sound weird enough if he were an eminent physicist but he’s an always stoned furniture dealer. He couldn’t tell me too much about it because apparently apart from needing a huge blackboard and lots of chalk, it wasn’t safe to do it over the phone. Yikes! Careful with that weed friend!
Project Boo’s Belly is underway. In fact she’s due for a weigh in, so I’ll report back on that. Also, I still need to devise the rewards / penalties points system.
I have my family coming over tomorrow to celebrate two birthdays. It’s always fun when my mob get together and I’m really looking forward to it. X will be coming too.
I’ve been following the Femmethology tour and have really enjoyed everyone’s contributions. It’s made me think about my own Femme-inity and I want to write again about that at some point. It’s very daunting though when there’s so much insightful stuff out there. For now I’ll just say that I’ve been really feeling how my femmeness has helped me over these past few difficult months. I’ve also been really feeling how my Boo’s butchness spotlights my femmeness. So, another post, another time.
Finally, I am going cross-eyed with the anticipation of collecting Gertie in 5 weeks and 1 day. The countdown begins! Roll on 30th May!
Here is Gertie being held by my Boo yesterday. She is a Border Terrier, nearly 3 weeks old and we pick her up on 30th May.
I’ve wanted a dog for years but it’s never felt like the right time. Now living here, on the river, with parks and marshes all around it seemed criminal not to have one. Not that I haven’t wrestled with it of course. It’s a huge commitment. That’s my style though. Over think, worry, analyse to death, blah blah blah. But just look at her! Right decision, eh? Isn’t she GORGEOUS?!
Spain was…… very restful indeedy. I’m feeling much better because of it but then having FANTASTIC sex, sleeping lots and eating lots will have that effect I suppose! It was just what I needed. It didn’t matter that the weather was mostly horrid. I arrived back on Sunday with a feint tan on my face and hands, more (cheap) tobacco than you can shake a stick at and Project Boo’s Belly.
Now, let’s get one thing straight from the get go. My Boo is stunning. She is perfect. She does not need to lose any weight. But she has charged me to oversee the loss of her belly. It breaks my heart really because I love every inch of her, and that includes her belly. But what the Boo wants, the Boo gets. And, oh does she! Like the other night when...ahem… I digress...
Boo wants to lose 2 stones. I have no idea where that number has come from but anyway, that’s what I’ll be overseeing from here on in.
I’ve given her THE RULES for her first week, every day she must:
Have breakfast
Drink 3 litres of still water
Have 5 portions of fresh fruit / veg
Eat no more than one slice of bread per day
Eat nothing after 7pm
Eat nothing containing more than 5% fat
Exercise
I’ll be writing up a proper plan this week which will include a points system for penalties and rewards. YUMMY! Any ideas?
Oh OK then. I was fed up with the very dark background here so I got the decorators in!
Much better methinks.
Anyway, a few small updates from this little corner of Spain:
1. I've been eating for England since we arrived and the half stone I needed to lose before getting to my ideal weight will be out of sight forever if I carry on at this rate! So, I'll be checking myself from tomorrow. But, oh my gosh! Spanish chocolate!! YUM!!
2. I've been really kicking back and resting. There have even been one or two snoozes on the beach! Me likey :-)
3. My Boo burnt her ankles yesterday! Silly Boo! How did she manage that?!
And, that's about it really. Sum up: chocolate (and other yummy stuff), resting & snoozing, beach and Boo. Nuff said.
More than a little while ago I was tagged by the very gracious Grumpy Granny. So thanks GG! I love tags, so here goes:
Five names you go by Baby Boo - obviously only used by my Boo *blushing*. I’m also called FC or favourite client by a very dear friend.
Three things you are wearing right now Fluffy red sparkly socks, my black comfies and a hair band.
Three things you want very badly at the moment Good mental health, good physical health and a nice cup of tea.
Two people who will probably fill this out Hopefully, everyone I’m tagging will fill this out! See below lucky people!
Two things you did last night Had amazing sex and watched 2 episodes of the Vicar of Dibley (not in that order!)
Two things you ate today Two very nice yellow plums? Oh, OK then… a delicious chocolate brownie. Well I am on holiday!
Two people you last talked to on the phone An idiot at my local benefits office. And then Denver, my unofficial benefits adviser.
Two things you are doing tomorrow Getting some sun and reading a book on the beach.
Two longest car rides One springs immediately to mind - When I was about 10, traveling with my family and our dog in a packed out transit van to Yorkshire. The van could only do about 40 miles an hour and when we eventually arrived in the early hours of the morning we couldn’t get in to the cottage we had booked until 2pm. By mid morning I thought I was dying but my mum assured me it was trapped wind. How right she was!
Two of your favourite beverages Easy – tea and water.
The other day wicked left a very kind comment on my last post about how well I was coping with my stuff.
She made me think about how much still I self-censor here. Yes, I have coped but I’ve not coped too, and I wanted to say a few things about that.
First off though, about coping – I have the love and support of my Boo, family and friends and I also have my daily dose of Prozac. I’ve been quite flippant about what I’ve called my “chemical assistance” here, but it really is that. Sometimes my dose takes the edge off things but sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t want to go in to all my “stuff” now, all the emotional challenges and issues – because I’ve at least referred to most of it here before but mainly because the detail simply isn’t relevant. I think that everyone has their limit when it comes to how well they can continue to be with the challenges life throws at them and my particular limit has been reached is all.
You know when you’ve worked hard all year and then you get to take a few days off and then you get ill? Well, that’s kind of how I’d describe what’s happening with me right now. I’ve been climbing that mountain and now that the peak is in sight my mind & body is saying “enough”. It’s a fair cop I suppose. Despite the efforts of everyone around me I didn’t really take it easy after having my gall bladder out. Apart from never being able to sit still anyway, I’d just moved in to my new flat and had my benefits to sort out to say nothing of the bankruptcy. Oops wasn’t going to do any details! But those are just a few of the more recent challenges!
My body saying “enough”: Generally, I get very tired. On Sunday, Boo and I traveled here to Spain. She drove the short distance to Stansted airport and I slept for most of the flight which took just over 2 hours. We were met at Alicante and driven the hour long journey to the flat in Denia. Again, I slept most of the way. When we arrived at around 4pm I was absolutely exhausted and white as a sheet. After having something to eat, I slept for the rest of the evening and then went to bed and slept right through to Monday morning.
My mind saying “enough”: Apart from being generally quite tearful and anxious there have been some very specific bad times. Like recently lying paralyzed with an overwhelming sense of dread and hopelessness in the bath for what seemed like an eternity, unable to move.
So I really am going to take it easy. A few final pieces of the jigsaw are falling in to place (like benefits actually being paid and the bankruptcy being finalized) and then I’ll be able to lie down on my sofa and sleep and rest and recover.
My goodness! What my Boo has had to deal with over the last 2 years! There’s been one issue after another with me and I don’t want to keep burdening her or our relationship with my shit. We’ve talked about it of course and despite her protests I haven’t lost my senses completely and realize when enough is enough. And it really is. Like I said to her recently, I don’t need or want a carer any more than she needs or wants a patient. Being so needy is very unattractive and not sexy at all.
But, it is what it is. If I could change how I’m feeling of course I would. Apart from anything else, and this may seem strange, I am very happy with my life and relationships now and very, very in love with Boo. My depression is a result of an accumulation of stress / difficult life events, it’s an illness from which I’ll recover just like if I had a broken leg. There are no quick fixes, there’s not one single thing that anyone could put their finger on and resolve to make it go away. Just like the broken leg, you have to deal with the very practical stuff around mending the leg, not ponder what caused it to be broken in the first place.
I’m seeing my excellent GP regularly, remembering to count my many blessings and now, finally, I’m accepting what I need to do to get better and that is to really rest.
I wanted to write this so that what is here is honest and fairly represents me and my life – otherwise what’s the point?
I don’t have any quips to end on but promise to post some jollier entries from my next 2 weeks in Spain.
I was in court yesterday. At the Royal Courts of Justice in the Strand – where, last year, the inquest in to the deaths of Dodi Al Fayed and Princess Diana took place and where the Court of Appeal hears miscarriages of justice – just the other day freeing a man who has spent the last 27 years in prison for a murder he didn’t commit. And then yesterday, my bankruptcy.
I was expecting the BBC to be there but no. :-)
My brother, who has been SO supportive and generally wonderful, was there with me. (Boo has been in Spain for the last week and is back tomorrow – Yippee!). I was very glad of his support cos I was more than a bit wobbly. The process was straightforward enough, but you know…
The Courts are an amazing warren of corridors & staircases leading to a multitude of grand, imposing court rooms and halls. You can almost taste the pomp, ceremony, legal bills, judge’s dusty wigs - and angst. Sounds are respectfully hushed but there is a soft, ambient soundtrack of shuffled papers being rubber-stamped. Thankfully, my bankruptcy petition received six of those stamps.
Now I’m waiting for a call from the Official Receiver to find out how long the order will last for, whether they’ll take my car etc. Whatever. And I really mean that.
I’ve been feeling quite tired today. I think getting to this point has been pretty exhausting to be honest. I feel relieved and although I haven’t had the euphoria yet, I’m sure it’ll come. I am, after all, debt-free, and how many people can say that?
Blimey! What a few weeks I’ve had! Let’s see, I’ve moved twice, had my gall bladder out and been moving the bankruptcy machine closer to it’s final destination.
The move to X’s place was…. good on paper but in reality not so. I was there for a week and it was really hard on all of us. But, something very positive came out of it, in that X articulated some of his feelings about the end of our relationship. In fact, he seems to have found a whole new zest for life and is using words not in his vocabulary before like “feelings” and “happy.” All good stuff.
During the week I was at X’s place I actually spent most nights with my Boo (who has been amazingly lovely by the way) and one evening we were sitting around chatting with Denver who is Boo’s ex and best friend. (Lesbians! Honestly!)
I like Denver a lot, she’s smart and kind and has a really dry sense of humour that has me in stitches. Anyway, Denver’s job involves giving benefits advice and there I was with no income and homeless. So, she gave me a good talking to about what I was entitled to claim. Cos who knows, right? Well, I didn’t. I’ve never claimed any state benefits before and even though it doesn’t sit well with me I had no choice but to swallow my pride and do it.
So, I’ve been signed off sick by my GP (with depression – thanks again to my good friend Prozac) and I’m receiving Employment and Support Allowance which pays the princely sum of £60.50 a week. Yikes! And I’m claiming Housing Benefit which pays all of my rent – or at least it will do when it comes through (come on people!).
Which leads on nicely to where I’m living…… you wouldn’t believe it! I’ve moved in to a lovely flat in East London that has floor to ceiling windows in the lounge and overlooks a river and park!! I’m also only a five minute walk away from my Boo. It is THE nicest place that I’ve lived in a long time. The sun rises directly in front of me and I am entranced by the barges and canoes that use the river. Did I mention the swans, coots, cormorants and herons? Did I mention that I can see all of this not just from the panorama offered by the lounge window but from my BALCONY?! I swear someone is looking over me. And doing the best job of it too!
Of course, the most wonderful part of all of this is the continuing and overwhelming amount of love and support from my Boo and friends and family.
The Lovely f.i.m.g. came up to see me last week (she really is Lovely you know) and sorted me out with my internet connection. Wherefrom I speak to you now. She’s coming on Tuesday with muffins. Yummy! Can’t wait! We’ll be exchanging lots of money saving tips and recipes. Queer Rose will be baking!!
I’ve filled in my bankruptcy forms and will be popping along to the High Court in London next week to file for the big B. It will be a huge relief to get that done and dusted I can tell you.
As you may already know, me and Boo are taking our relationship to a whole other level by getting….. a dog. Hopefully in April / May. Can’t do it before then cos we’re off to Spain for two weeks at the end of the month – cheap flights and a free apartment you see. HOW AMAZING IS MY LIFE?!
I’ve missed Blogland and can’t wait to catch up with you all. Put the kettle on, I’ll be with you shortly.
